Jokes about Singles Dating Online!
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Welcome, to our quickly growing sex for dummies online archive of various jokes, parody articles and humor about the singles life, married couples, dating on the Internet and relationships in general.

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With hopes of putting a grin on your face, we wish you a most wonderful experience!   humor jokes home

Humorous anctedotes to counter our stressful lives!

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she also had castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given a vicar a hair lip -- and there were still 5 shaves left!

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There were two old ladies at a dance. One says, "Do you remember the minuet?"

The other replies, "I can't even remember the ones I screwed."

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Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer, and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway.

"Lord," he pleaded, "Please let her be having an affair."

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Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy. "Slow down, baby," she said. "Foreplay is an art."

"You better get your canvas ready soon," he panted, "because I'm about to spill my paint!"

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A guy goes running into a sex shop to return his blow-up doll. He says to the owner, "Excuse me, but I blew this doll up last night and straight away she went down on me. I want my $50 back."

The owner says, "Hell, if I'd have known she was going to do that, I'd have charged you $75!"

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A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say that they are hungry and thirsty. It was freezing in the house so they have an argument over who should go get the food and drink. After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.

They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine."

So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

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A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring! That's my wristwatch."

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The two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West Coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store. Well, low and behold there were two older Indian women siting on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation.

The one older Indian woman said, "Well I'm a Navajo and she is an Arapaho."

One of the East Coast hookers said, "No Shit, Well, I'm a New York Ho and she is a Chicago Ho."

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Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves." I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.

George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"

Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."

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This guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it. After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way he won't have to see her and he won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.

He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it. He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.

He kicks her in the face!

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An ode to the cut
that never heals.
The more you touch it
the better it feels. You can rub it and scrub it
and brush it like hell.
But you will never get rid
of that damn cod fish smell.

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A priest had lost his cock (Male hen) and didn't know where to find it. So at the sermon next day he asked, "Has anybody got the cock?" All the men stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?" All the women folk stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up.

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You know you've had a good blow job when...

1) You have to pull the sheets out of your butt when she is done.

2) Your pecker has the dry heaves for three days afterward.

3) The head of your pecker is twice the size of your balls.

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Three hungry Korean guys walk into a restaurant and sit down. One of them reads a sign, translates to the others, and then they whip down their pants and all start to whack off furiously.

The waitress comes up and asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?"

They reply, "The sign said, first come first served!!"

---

Two sweet old ladies were sitting in the park one afternoon, feeding the birds, when a big burly guy walked up, and sat down beside them on the bench. After a minute, one of the old lady's whispered to the other. "Martha, this dirty bugger is masturbating right next to me!"

"Oh my lord! Well, let's just leave, Agnes," her friend replied with disgust.

"I can't," said the other. "He's using my hand."

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